Imagine this: Living a life pleasing to your parents and siblings; pleasing your pastor and church family and even your community. You marry a beautiful bride and start a family and you continue to live a life pleasing to your wife and kids; now your career is going in the right direction and you are now pleasing your co-workers and society.
Your pastor is so pleased with your life, he agrees to take you up on your strong ambition and desires to be a leader; he ordains and promote you as an official in the brotherhood of elders, ministers and pastors. You've made it! All of your family and loved ones rally around you as you are now officially considered a pillar in the community, known among many as "the salt of the earth".
Deep down in your heart you are wondering if you are really pleasing to God the Most High, you have never been able to shake that strong natural, mental and physical attraction for the same gender. At one time you were always petrified and unrested about your real reality. You were always edgy, irritated and nervous about the possibility of one of these dear family or church members or even the people in your community or your co-workers finding out about the real Authentic You. You still love the Lord in spite of that strong natural desire that has been with you since adolescence. God is love and love made you and he knows the very intent of your heart. God is concerned about TRUTH instead of the many facades of life that men create and enjoy.
Anytime you seek the approval of people who do not understand your reality and you allow their opinions of you to misrepresent your own life; self-hatred and self-destruction will set-in and your whole life of passive deception and not loving yourself will destroy you.
The rest of this posting is what I call "Sentiments and Confessions of the heart from a Preacher" who will remain anonymous. This preacher started corresponding with me a few months ago, he was evidently touched by what he has been reading on this blogsite. I was so elated, I asked him if I could share some of his correspondence for this posting; he obliged.
Samuel M. Brown
Sentiments and Confessions of the heart of a Preacher
What a joy to hear such a swift reply from you, Samuel. I have just finished reading a 27 page printout of your blogspot and found myself and my life story in each of the postings and experiences of others. As you may well know, I'm a 63-year old black man and I serve as Chief of Staff at one of these "traditional" COGIC churches. I guess I could share a lot but won't at the present time. I'm just glad you found me however you did. Because of my position, and yes, I got married and am living in a very precarious situation, i can't go public at this time, but it does uplift my spirit to know that there is a refuge and others bearing a "like" burden". I guess this is enough for now, but I would like to be put on your mailing list.
Samuel, what a joy to read the posts on your blog site and thanks for the speedy reply from you. I guess maybe I should send some of my life experiences-those of a 63year old black gay minister in the Grand ole COGIC. I'm sure you know I've had to sit through many such sermons. I sometimes want to just stand up and correct the stereotype thoughts regarding gay men. As you know, all gay men don't want to be women. And all gay men are not"swishy". Many look the "last" man, so to speak. I really get passionate about these issues and somehow I have remained silent, but not because I want to. Take care and pray for me. Thank God for this site.
Samuel, Sunday was a day I had to sit and endure one of those famous comments about Lesbian/Gay people. The Sunday School lesson was about Josiah's response to the the finding of the covenant by Shaphan and Hilkiah. The question was, Josiah rent his garments because of the sins of the people; what are some of the ways we, in today's society respond to national and personal sin? This woman got up with something real crazy about a lesbian woman on her job who she feels hates her be-cause she has probably put forth some comments about her being a Christian. She made this statement about how she's careful about helping her and how she interacts with the lady. I just wanted to jump up and tell her, the lady is a person and should be treated no less than. She went on this long dialog about gays, etc and you know the house was so full of "AMENs". Usually when I'm in those situations, I just want to get up and set the record straight, but I know that would be the beginning of MY crucifixion. But sometimes I really don't care. I'm 63, but you know what growing up in a blackPentecostal church (COGIC) can be like. What we have to suffer and go through. The woman is so silly, that if I went to her personally and tried to straighten out her way of thinking, it would have an adverse affect. So on goes HOMOPHOBIA. I guess that's enough.
I would love to hear your questions and concerns. If you have an experience that you would like to share and you would like to have it posted/featured on this site, email firstname.lastname@example.org This should be healing and a lot of fun. Feel free to comment just below this line.